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Saturday, November 11, 2006

was at bishan library with the same old people yesterday. and met some ungentleman there. i seriously cannot believe wad he did to my friends. he is a grown up, in university i guess. saw his engineering book. alright maybe in poly den. im not too sure. im just so disgusted by him. and i hate men even more. i always thought that men of age 20 and above, after going thru NS, they would be much matured and well brought up. but im so wrong wrong wrong!
alright, fiona accidentally spilled coffee on the floor. and unfortunately, on his oh-so-precious-shoes, and he said something like, i think you should wash mine shoes, it has coffee all over. i didnt hear him saying that till sophia told me. by then, fiona and belle went to washed his shoes for him alrd. and i was quite taken aback. and started gossiping w sop.
i bet he did it on purpose. because we were rowdy. but excuse me, its a cafe. and we werent as noisy as we were alright. stupid man. and who the hell is he to ask my juiniors to wash his shoes for him? yes we spilled the coffee on him, but does that mean that he has the right to order us around, like his maids. WASH HIS DIRTY BLACK SHOES FOR HIM. its not as if he is disabled or what. and it wasnt on purpose. to think that he gave that smirk look. and we gave up our space for his girlfriend. if i were them, i would haf make the shoes wet and soapy since he asked us to WASH it for him. i mean, do you have to put people down to that extent when we didnt even did it on purpose. my goodness. please. it is so hard to show basic respect and not destroy others dignity? this is ridiculous.
i wonder why people like this exist. i will not forget that look he had. i feeel like slapping him.

shedded at 8:12 PM

Monday, November 06, 2006

i don feel good. witnessing wad i dont want to witness. so i made up my mind to run away from all that is disturbing me. however, i still find myself thinking about it whenever im at home. i wonder why. people behave the way they do, without thinking about others. or sparing a thought for the whole situation. if i were to voice out what i have in mind, will things be better off or will it aggravate the situation? if u were me, will u inflict the pain on others, or just run away and suffer on your own. i guess when im unhappy with those not so close, not so important people around me, i would be very frank and say whats on my mind. but the closer u are to me, i find myself being more cautious, and aware of my own behaviour, because i fear judgement, i fear rejection, and also the fear of spoiling the whole relationship with people close to me. is it good or bad? i dont deny that i complain to others about how unhappy i feel, but ultimately, i still regard those whom i complained about as somebody special and important to me. is this hypocritism? to me it is not. unless the words say are on intention and to cause hurt or harm to that person. because, girls always need to get things off their chest. but who can we trust?
i know this entry is a bit weird. there is math tmr. going off to study alrd.
i wished u could do something more.

shedded at 2:08 AM

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

it had been a busy month.
pre-prelims. prelims. post-prelims.
yes, i did work hard. nope, i din do well. yes, i have decided to drop one subject. economics.
i have come to terms to it. never regretted taking that subject and only dropping it at this point of time. because im interested in econs. and i ;earned alot. i completed my syllabus, and i have no regrets. except that i could have better grasp the j1 economics concepts plus international trade. and yes, i will probably further my studies in economics when im in university.
for those who are reading this, mayb think that. oh it's such a waste and all. u spend two years studying it and blah blah. all the tuition and the A level fees. but i begged to differ. all the u shud haf dropped it last year or earlier had crossed my mind. all the opportunity cost lost due to time spend on reading econ notes and attending econs lecture. but mind you, im fortunate to have met great teacher, who taught great economics during my second year. im not exactly giving up on this subject, im just postphoning the date for me to take exam. and i know, i wont take any sciences in future, so econs is the next best choice that i know of. im convinced by my own theory. call me crazy. and denying myself from reality. i dont really care. and yes, i still think that ive made the right choice, by learning this subject for two years. but not taking the exam as an A level subject. i still remember what tanYH told me when i went to appeal to vj. saying that i will like econs and will do well cos my sec4 social studies results were straight As. He might not be right in everything he says despite his agreesiveness.
People were shocked. they ask why. and above all these reasons, i just want my As badly. i know i can do well, its just tt the stress and burden that is on me is so great that i cant even perform up to expectation for my other subjects, say math. according to angCL, she reminded us that we need to be very clear-minded when u are handling maths question. and i guess that staement applies to physics as well. it's thru, its hard to cope with the tight schedule during exam periods. one paper after another, leaving you with short time in between to study for your next subject. im so glad that there is such a thing call prelim. thank God, that made me realised that its not easy, especially when u are not well prepared for your papers. and made me realised that im ultimately not ready to sit for four A level subjects. the tight scheduele just scares me off. the thing im weak at is the coping with stress part, not the doing well part. they make me fumble and panic. and now, i feel relieved and motivated to get all my As and Bs. not deterred by stress anymore. but determined to overcome my As:))
you may say that im just taking the easy way out, but i guess taking the harder and conventional way doesnt alwaes guarantee you that your grades will be better or mould you into becoming a better person with character and substance. and sometimes, u just have to take a step back to see what is holding you back and hindering you from achieveing what you wantl. now i have got my answers and am going all out to eliminate them.
pride has always been my Archilles' heels. but this time, i took the courage to put down my pride and let it all go. and somehow, this made me come to realisation that a braver peron will be the one going out to look for help when u are in need, make some reflections, and cope with your problems with appropriate solutions, even when it is to degrade yourself to a lower level or to cry, as compared to someone who is adament about their stands and refuse to accept alternative solutions. Maths teaches us this skills in that sense right? to come up with alternative solutions to solve the equation when u are stuck right?
in fact, in future, when u start building your career, your family and all, the people around you wont be bother whether u did 4As or 3As right? it's how u treat them, how you build relationships with them that is important. and they will remember u for who u are, not wad grades you get. good academic results is something to be proud of, but if one were to have bad attitudes and low emotion quotient, i think thats the saddest thing of human fate.

shedded at 1:45 AM

Thursday, August 31, 2006

happy birthday.

it was raining since ydae. it felt as thou God was crying for some reasons. i cant deny i still feel for it. don think anione will understand how it feels except for those who had really gone thru wad it was. it wasnt easy at all to cope with the grieve and all.
somehow, i wish u were still here with us. i know its silly to even think this way. naive many would say. but i reasoned it myself that the v35 door is spoilt for a reason. it couldnt be closed properly no matter how hard we try. well, i wonder if the door creaks open whenever 05S61 is not using.
looking on the brighter side, maybe it all happened for a reason. if it werent for u, i think the class wouldnt have a common identity. in a way. i duno, seems like the high attendance today explains it all. never had i felt that the class was close until todae. it started off quite well, i was laughing at the bus stop. but solemn when the time has come. i couldnt even bring myself to take the first step in. i was afraid to face it all again. i couldnt bring myself to have a closer look. i regretted not being able to pray for u bcos of the overwhelming emotions that had overcame me. i was angry with myself for being weak. i wonder why others could do it, but i couldnt. but after the long walk, i guess u shared a bigger part of ur life with me. and im glad that u did. still can rmb the many moments we shared. as if they just happened not long ago. but all of that had came to a fullstop.

and i missed the shoulders that i was crying on, on that very day.

heard of the seven greatest sin? i think my greatest sin is pride.

shedded at 11:16 AM

Saturday, August 12, 2006

to learn how to love, start to love your enemy.
im learning to love. i wouldnt say i love you and i wouldnt really consider that person my enemy. it just so happened that we just couldnt get along in the first place. i thought we could. cos our first encounter was quite okay. i dont know how it happened, but we just stopped talking. and we treated each other as if we were invisible. no hellos. no waves. not even a smile. and i know, i couldnt accept you as part of my life anymore. i dont even want the people around me to be close to you. and that includes the closest friend of mine. and we quarreled umpteen times because of you. and somehow, all these unhappy memories still clings on me like a leech.
u werent exactly the reason of all that had happened. you were just the surface of the problem, just an unfortunate spark that started off the fire. but actually, there were many hidden roots and reasons why we werent on agreement at that time. things were complicated then. and u had no choice but to be part of the complication. im glad that all that had been thrashed openly, but i dont think u know how bad it hurt, and how traumatic it was for me. i had to live with fear then, where yet another arguement awaits me when the previous one was still lingering around. it was terrible to carry on with life without being able to trust and live each day without faith. self comforting was a big part of my life when things werent right. well, it was quite sometime ago, so lets just forget about the details.
but now, as things get better, less complicated. i heard less and less of you. yet, i find my inner self wanting to know more about you. i wouldnt say im ready to accept you in my life once again, because of all the rather bad memories. i wouldnt dare to risk it. i just want to say that im sorry that it didnt work out in any way. i think i had deprived u a good chance of having a good acquaintance. but i guess there is nothing much i can do. im glad that at least we can put aside what we call the past. or at least im able to leave it behind. no doubt i will still be reminded at times. but at least i dont feel the intensiveness of my emotions anymore. its always nice when we exchanged smile and waves. but will we ever be more than a hi-bye friend? im not too sure.

shedded at 11:29 AM

Saturday, August 05, 2006

i wanted to blog since a very long time ago. about people and issues that had been on my mind for quite some time. its just hard to find time to come online. especialli when my brother hogged onto the comp like nobody's business. he and his maple. pouts.
i swear i was the stupidest girl on earth. how can i be so stupid to reveal the greatest secret on earth. hmph. no more surprise. bah. i hate myself for being so clumsy. :(
relationships are perplex. i cant agree more to this sentence. when u least expected any two homosepians to share a close relationship, u had to find yourself in a suituation whereby u had to witness all that they share, or even findin yourself thinking about what they are doing when you are stoning at some corner of a cafe, what they were doing when you try to keep yourself busy by drowning urself in endless tutorials and revision and what they will be doing.
its something i can never stop doing, and i wonder why. i have many other better things to do, but when i stop keeping myself occupied, i start to think of the past, the present and the future. my past was crap. full of shit. sometimes i wished i could turn back time. i think its just human nature to be greedy. you cant be satisfied with what you have and what you not have. if only i didnt push u away. many things wouldnt have happened. if only things were put clearer in the way that we both understood what we want and what we felt. but at least for now, i guess its not too late. its fated that i had to go thru all these to realise what kind of life i want to pursue.
and thank you for making me realised that many interesting facts and allowing me to experience life fully. yes, its true that memories cannot be erased away, and i cant get over certain things no matter how hard i try. but i just have to keep on trying, keep moving, keep creating better and happier memories so as to keep certain hurtful memories that will bring back emotions deep inside, so as to prevent them from hindering my goals and happiness. i remember telling you my fears, i wondered if u could hear the sobs and chokes over at the other end. i remember you telling me yours. and i silently made myself promise that i wont be stupid again. now, i see a different future, with a slight change in perspective, with a little anticipation.
you taught me how to be stronger, you wiped my tears now, when you were, then, one of the main contributor to my tears. thank you, for not leaving me in the end. i treasure you. and i love you:) i dont need the whole world to feel love and cherished. i need only one.
keep me in your heart aways.

shedded at 10:21 AM

Friday, July 21, 2006

had quite a great day todae. its hua's birthday. she had a great day. her classmates made her eye candy give her the birthday cake they bought her. i wonder if my classmates will ever do that. base on the level of interaction i have with them. oh yea, after her eventful day, she din forget about us. we went crab king in ang mo kio near kerrin's place for crab (obviously) and had fun eating alot again. our motto seems to be -eat till we drop- for every birthday occasion. we bought her a forever friend bear. which appeared to be odd in his/her proportion. oh she named it ah dai. and i seriously suspect that ah dai is mutated. =x it cost me a bomb. i used up all the money tt im supposed to deposit in the bank. :( but well well, im jus so looking forwarrd to wad i will get in three months time. (ahem. hint hint)
i guess i haf been neglecting a lot of things in life. one of the most evident example is my blog. i don haf the comp in my room. and im glad that it doesnt serve as a distraction most of the time cos it will be very inconsiderate and tiring for me to use the comp on weekday nights. cos i will be disturbing my brothers. so i see many people have been missing out the events in my life. to whoever it may concern, im sorry. haha. besides, i had been trying to mug hard to repent for wad i haf not done for my common test two. that is to study as much as possible. and im under high level of stress. not that anione is pressuring me. its just pressure from myself. which is unhealthy. cos to many of us, its consider too earli to be over stressed out. oh well. i just gotta try and relax. and try to hide the symtoms of stress, which is quite undesirable in any case.
i havent been myself recently. its scary to describe what im feeling nowadays. cos i might be attracting unnecessary concerns about me being over paraniod and being a freak. its just that i feel so insecure with my demoralizing results. i noe there are pple who did much worse. but well, im not one of those people who sits here and fret about my bad results(when actually they are realli not bad), so that they can make those who din do well feel worse so as to make myself feel beta. but seriously, my results are realli bad. never gotten such bad grades. but its good. cos it sort of woke me up. for those who had woken up from the slackerish mood, good for you. but those who hasnt, its not too late to do so now. look at the amount we nid to study. besides the four main subjects, i still nid to have substantial readings of newspaper and magazine so that i can write a good gp or econs essays. i dont realli haf a flare for writing which is quite sad. and i had to work doubly hard, cos i know im not the smart kind. i had to work hard to achieve wad i desire. well, its different from the Os. n i know after this period of time, i can take a long break:) im not gonna give up now, cos it will jus be a waste of money and time on my education for the past 11 and a half yrs. yay! im so motivated now, gonna go and mugggg nowww. wheee.

shedded at 10:38 AM